everything and nothing

mother's flowers

I never think it'll happen again, but it does and it's strange and it hurts.

Growing, that is.

I'd put a lot of effort in becoming comfortable with myself and accepting that I am who I am. Embracing it, even. Allowing myself love and adventure and the company that comes along with them. I never thought I'd get to the point where I felt the need to turn myself off.

In deciding to write this I started to reflect upon past hurt and the people I used to say that'd caused it. Now I'm more inclined to take responsibility. I'll never deny myself the way I feel but I've learned that I need to be more cautious. Selfish, even.

The funny thing is: I feel like I've learned this lesson before. That other people will always think of themselves first and that I should do the same, too. That I should always keep myself at a healthy distance.

I don't like this. I don't like gaslighting my own feelings. I don't like stopping myself from loving anyone the absolute most that I can. But I also don't like opening myself up only for others to pretend I'm not there.

Until I find a balance, it's goodbye for now.